So... after journeying for weeks, nay months, on the long road to the recovery of my self-esteem I finally arrived in a good place. Here the sun shines most of the time and I can hear the birds singing. Actually when I'm merrily (and admittedly sometimes mindlessly, mostly tunelessly) chanting the Gayatri mantra or singing in the car they are barely audible, but I like to think I make up for their lack of volume with my own. I have built up a certain strength on this journey and I'm grateful (to me) for the opportunity to grow those muscles that I exercised so extensively earlier this year.
Some time at the end of the winter of discontent I upgraded my internal flicker of light to the eco equivalent of a 100w bulb. It was at this point along the way that I recognised the scenery and remembered that all I really need to do here on earth is just BE me. I don't need to DO, dare I say it, spiritual activities - whatever they are - in order to prove my worth. If I believe that I am a spiritual being having a human experience then I have done everything by remembering who I AM. The trick is to keep this memory alive and live with courage and total trust in the Universe.
All I need I have in this not so neat little package called me. It helps if someone is around to occasionally wipe a layer of ego dust from the bulb, but seeing as I have never been an accomplished domestic goddess I feel this to be a wholly acceptable shirking of responsibility! I know I'd probably benefit from a daily meditation or yoga practice, but right now I'm not practising anything other than BEING. I am clear in my mind that this is not because I am resisting, which previously has so often be the case, but because I've given myself permission to just let go...
I do indeed feel liberated!
Aum x
Friday, 10 June 2011
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Overcoming Dis is my challenge
How precarious is the path?
I can't claim to have been living a truly authentic life as often I will bend to another's will, meandering hither and thither (great phrase huh?) however, this is usually because I do not have a predetermined course in mind.
However, for the last few years I have been walking the verbal path of truth. I have made a determined effort to cheat my ego out of the fear that being open and honest would somehow make me vulnerable to destruction. My progress was steady and I was alive to tell the tale. I may have shocked a few people with my forthrightness and perhaps I made others feel a little uncomfortable, but I was still standing.
Then I slipped up, closed down and was not forthcoming. For a short while I existed, holding a lie close to my chest.
During this time my soul died - or if it isn't dead it is heavily traumatised and sedated. My heart and mind are thrashing about in pain. I have been suffering from internal dis-cord, dis-sonance, dis-comfort and all manner of things Dis. I have, probably for the first time, an experiential knowledge of Dis. Of course I've had these feelings before, but in the past (pre ISA) I didn't know what it was or what was causing it. Lack of truth, falsehood, intentional non-disclosure, deceit, lies, call it what you will. By misleading someone else, I did a disservice to myself and have caused this suffering.
The truth is now out there but I'm not sure how I'll get out of this without guidance from another realm. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the tiny flicker that remains inside will be enough to light my way.
Believe me when I say I have learnt a valuable lesson. I intend to keep my path debris-free in future.
Somehow I must find my way home.
Aum x
I can't claim to have been living a truly authentic life as often I will bend to another's will, meandering hither and thither (great phrase huh?) however, this is usually because I do not have a predetermined course in mind.
However, for the last few years I have been walking the verbal path of truth. I have made a determined effort to cheat my ego out of the fear that being open and honest would somehow make me vulnerable to destruction. My progress was steady and I was alive to tell the tale. I may have shocked a few people with my forthrightness and perhaps I made others feel a little uncomfortable, but I was still standing.
Then I slipped up, closed down and was not forthcoming. For a short while I existed, holding a lie close to my chest.
During this time my soul died - or if it isn't dead it is heavily traumatised and sedated. My heart and mind are thrashing about in pain. I have been suffering from internal dis-cord, dis-sonance, dis-comfort and all manner of things Dis. I have, probably for the first time, an experiential knowledge of Dis. Of course I've had these feelings before, but in the past (pre ISA) I didn't know what it was or what was causing it. Lack of truth, falsehood, intentional non-disclosure, deceit, lies, call it what you will. By misleading someone else, I did a disservice to myself and have caused this suffering.
The truth is now out there but I'm not sure how I'll get out of this without guidance from another realm. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the tiny flicker that remains inside will be enough to light my way.
Believe me when I say I have learnt a valuable lesson. I intend to keep my path debris-free in future.
Somehow I must find my way home.
Aum x
Onwards
I haven't written for a while, not because nothing of note has happened, but much. Most of it seems too huge and personal to share so, as it's not just my stuff that I'd be airing on a public washing line, I will dry my details indoors.
Over the past couple of months I have received healing, attended ceremonies, danced, sang, toned, sweated, laughed and cried. I survived the madness that is Christmas and New Year. I have been more aware of my power and have been comfortable in my skin - at times I have felt 100% woman and totally liberated. I bought an axe and enjoy chopping my logs. I have made friends, birthed a drum, helped cook an ancestral meal, stood barefoot in the snow wearing nothing but a sarong. I have also spent far too much time in front of a rectangular screen.
For the most part, despite the dreary wintry weather, the sun has been shining in my world.
There have been 3 deaths in my family in the last 6 weeks. These three lived to a good age: 96, 12 and 103. For me their lives are to be celebrated, not their loss mourned. How can I be sad when I see their passing as a transition rather than an ending? The thought that we are spiritual beings having a human experience is a great source of comfort in trying times. This lifetime is a mere blink of the eye in the great scheme of things. I beat my drum to aid their passage onwards.
Merlin (age 12) was a much loved, cheeky, slightly eccentric person trapped in the body of a Labrador. I think he was special needs.
Aum x
Over the past couple of months I have received healing, attended ceremonies, danced, sang, toned, sweated, laughed and cried. I survived the madness that is Christmas and New Year. I have been more aware of my power and have been comfortable in my skin - at times I have felt 100% woman and totally liberated. I bought an axe and enjoy chopping my logs. I have made friends, birthed a drum, helped cook an ancestral meal, stood barefoot in the snow wearing nothing but a sarong. I have also spent far too much time in front of a rectangular screen.
For the most part, despite the dreary wintry weather, the sun has been shining in my world.
There have been 3 deaths in my family in the last 6 weeks. These three lived to a good age: 96, 12 and 103. For me their lives are to be celebrated, not their loss mourned. How can I be sad when I see their passing as a transition rather than an ending? The thought that we are spiritual beings having a human experience is a great source of comfort in trying times. This lifetime is a mere blink of the eye in the great scheme of things. I beat my drum to aid their passage onwards.
Merlin (age 12) was a much loved, cheeky, slightly eccentric person trapped in the body of a Labrador. I think he was special needs.
Aum x
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Law of Attraction
Whilst out walking yesterday I got lost. I knew where I was going but I missed the wonder of nature as my left brain wandered off, wondering. The title of a friend's blog, coupled with meeting new people at the weekend, tripled with recent external events, and quadrupled with my own history, had got me thinking: What really attracts one human being to another and can we define that attraction?
We are often told that pheromones are key to sexual desire, but what about platonic friends, places, animals...?
How is it that I choose to make contact with one person over another in a room full of strangers? Is it the light we see emanating from the other? Recognition of a prenatal acquaintance? Are we vibrating at a similar frequency? I just don't know... I have a much loved friend who, in her own words, doesn't do deep. Aside from a shared sense of humour (is this the key?) she is my opposite in practically every other way. So is it balance? Are they the missing fraction of our whole self, filling our gaps at any particular time?
Is it looks, or memories - however distant - either positive or negative, that shape our current leanings? I spent much of my childhood in a house overlooking Romney Marsh - in my eyes a bleak and not very welcoming landscape. Home, where I feel comfortable, is in undulating countryside, near trees, with a preference for broad leafed varieties. I do not suffer from wanderlust yet I am inexplicably drawn to the life of Mongolian nomads, an existance as far removed from mine as I can imagine. Why?
When I was 7 a german shepherd ate my guinea pig. Though I love all dogs I have no desire to adopt an alsatian. Ever.
Aum x
We are often told that pheromones are key to sexual desire, but what about platonic friends, places, animals...?
How is it that I choose to make contact with one person over another in a room full of strangers? Is it the light we see emanating from the other? Recognition of a prenatal acquaintance? Are we vibrating at a similar frequency? I just don't know... I have a much loved friend who, in her own words, doesn't do deep. Aside from a shared sense of humour (is this the key?) she is my opposite in practically every other way. So is it balance? Are they the missing fraction of our whole self, filling our gaps at any particular time?
Is it looks, or memories - however distant - either positive or negative, that shape our current leanings? I spent much of my childhood in a house overlooking Romney Marsh - in my eyes a bleak and not very welcoming landscape. Home, where I feel comfortable, is in undulating countryside, near trees, with a preference for broad leafed varieties. I do not suffer from wanderlust yet I am inexplicably drawn to the life of Mongolian nomads, an existance as far removed from mine as I can imagine. Why?
When I was 7 a german shepherd ate my guinea pig. Though I love all dogs I have no desire to adopt an alsatian. Ever.
Aum x
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Kicking the but(t) of idle talk
Since August I've been looking for a lodge of the sweaty variety. While I was in it I thought never again do I have to put myself through this, however, since emerging from the "womb" the discomfort has mysteriously been erased from my memory. Like childbirth? I've no idea - I had a c-section.
A blog I stumbled across on my rambles round the web Shamanic Druidry led to a FB friend request and exposure to a diary of workshop opportunities, mostly taking place on the Isle of Sheppey.
I'd like to do this one or that one, I say... But it's too far, I tell myself. But what about the dog? Can I afford it? What is it with me? Jeez, it's only an hour away; Seth has many fans who are keen to adopt him for the day; and frankly I really don't need to buy any more books from Amazon when there is a perfectly good library system in place.
Admittedly I cannot reach my own backside so ordinarily I rely on someone to kick it for me.
Anyway, last Sunday I made it across the water to the reclaimed lands of the Isle for a workshop led by the wonderful Zoë Brân to mark the turning of the year, Samhain.
Caer Corhrain has beautiful energy and there were some lovely people present. We sat on sheepskins, attentive. We rattled and snuggled down into the fleeces. We journeyed to the middle and lower worlds to meet spirit helpers and also met an ancestor who gave us a gift. We asked questions, got answers and shared our findings. It was an enlightening day and I brought home further self-knowledge, reassurance, and I also gained some new friends. I'm planning to make a drum and/or rattle with Phil Jones in the near future and do further work with my spirit guides in whatever guise they appear.
If I can get off my But I think I'm on the medicine path...
Aum x
A blog I stumbled across on my rambles round the web Shamanic Druidry led to a FB friend request and exposure to a diary of workshop opportunities, mostly taking place on the Isle of Sheppey.
I'd like to do this one or that one, I say... But it's too far, I tell myself. But what about the dog? Can I afford it? What is it with me? Jeez, it's only an hour away; Seth has many fans who are keen to adopt him for the day; and frankly I really don't need to buy any more books from Amazon when there is a perfectly good library system in place.
Admittedly I cannot reach my own backside so ordinarily I rely on someone to kick it for me.
Anyway, last Sunday I made it across the water to the reclaimed lands of the Isle for a workshop led by the wonderful Zoë Brân to mark the turning of the year, Samhain.
Caer Corhrain has beautiful energy and there were some lovely people present. We sat on sheepskins, attentive. We rattled and snuggled down into the fleeces. We journeyed to the middle and lower worlds to meet spirit helpers and also met an ancestor who gave us a gift. We asked questions, got answers and shared our findings. It was an enlightening day and I brought home further self-knowledge, reassurance, and I also gained some new friends. I'm planning to make a drum and/or rattle with Phil Jones in the near future and do further work with my spirit guides in whatever guise they appear.
If I can get off my But I think I'm on the medicine path...
Aum x
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Truth, Lies and Mr Darcey
Some days I think a lot, analysing my feelings, over and over, over and over.
And over and over.
There are books out there that will explain exactly why and how what I'm doing is not beneficial. I've probably ready many of them, only to cast aside the half-read literature before moving on to the next must-read read on my Amazon wish list. I'm well versed at reading, choosing to forget to put into practice the well-crafted words, and then metaphorically sticking pins in my eyes when I realise I've fallen asleep AGAIN.
The dream is so vivid and so believable, I'm living it.
For my benefit I'm going to go over the basics again...
I hear something. Or see something. I have a point of view about it. It's not the truth, merely a point of view. Mine. And this is where I forget to take responsibility - it's mine and there is and an overwhelming likelihood that it's not the exact point of reference for any other person alive (da-dah!).
From this position I create a judgement, then pictures and thoughts, building to a story. It's not real. Hear me? It's not real. But my imagination is sometimes so creative, working in technicolour and stringing whole scenes together I begin to believe this costume drama is the truth. It's like believing that Colin Firth really is Mr Darcy... and suddenly I have turned into a Bridget Jones neurotic.
If feelings are just a chemical/electrical reaction in response to thoughts then they're easily manipulated and there is never any reason to think/feel anything other than happy. Duh!
Sometimes, however, life just gets in the way. Some days I feel sad.
Aum x
And over and over.
There are books out there that will explain exactly why and how what I'm doing is not beneficial. I've probably ready many of them, only to cast aside the half-read literature before moving on to the next must-read read on my Amazon wish list. I'm well versed at reading, choosing to forget to put into practice the well-crafted words, and then metaphorically sticking pins in my eyes when I realise I've fallen asleep AGAIN.
The dream is so vivid and so believable, I'm living it.
For my benefit I'm going to go over the basics again...
I hear something. Or see something. I have a point of view about it. It's not the truth, merely a point of view. Mine. And this is where I forget to take responsibility - it's mine and there is and an overwhelming likelihood that it's not the exact point of reference for any other person alive (da-dah!).
From this position I create a judgement, then pictures and thoughts, building to a story. It's not real. Hear me? It's not real. But my imagination is sometimes so creative, working in technicolour and stringing whole scenes together I begin to believe this costume drama is the truth. It's like believing that Colin Firth really is Mr Darcy... and suddenly I have turned into a Bridget Jones neurotic.
If feelings are just a chemical/electrical reaction in response to thoughts then they're easily manipulated and there is never any reason to think/feel anything other than happy. Duh!
Sometimes, however, life just gets in the way. Some days I feel sad.
Aum x
Sunday, 10 October 2010
It's written in the Numbers
This morning at 10:10 10/10/10 I closed my eyes and made a wish. I trust that my wish is being fulfilled even as I type. I can feel it.
Everyone will benefit.
Love love love ♥
Aum xx
Everyone will benefit.
Love love love ♥
Aum xx
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