How precarious is the path?
I can't claim to have been living a truly authentic life as often I will bend to another's will, meandering hither and thither (great phrase huh?) however, this is usually because I do not have a predetermined course in mind.
However, for the last few years I have been walking the verbal path of truth. I have made a determined effort to cheat my ego out of the fear that being open and honest would somehow make me vulnerable to destruction. My progress was steady and I was alive to tell the tale. I may have shocked a few people with my forthrightness and perhaps I made others feel a little uncomfortable, but I was still standing.
Then I slipped up, closed down and was not forthcoming. For a short while I existed, holding a lie close to my chest.
During this time my soul died - or if it isn't dead it is heavily traumatised and sedated. My heart and mind are thrashing about in pain. I have been suffering from internal dis-cord, dis-sonance, dis-comfort and all manner of things Dis. I have, probably for the first time, an experiential knowledge of Dis. Of course I've had these feelings before, but in the past (pre ISA) I didn't know what it was or what was causing it. Lack of truth, falsehood, intentional non-disclosure, deceit, lies, call it what you will. By misleading someone else, I did a disservice to myself and have caused this suffering.
The truth is now out there but I'm not sure how I'll get out of this without guidance from another realm. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the tiny flicker that remains inside will be enough to light my way.
Believe me when I say I have learnt a valuable lesson. I intend to keep my path debris-free in future.
Somehow I must find my way home.
Aum x
Thursday 6 January 2011
Onwards
I haven't written for a while, not because nothing of note has happened, but much. Most of it seems too huge and personal to share so, as it's not just my stuff that I'd be airing on a public washing line, I will dry my details indoors.
Over the past couple of months I have received healing, attended ceremonies, danced, sang, toned, sweated, laughed and cried. I survived the madness that is Christmas and New Year. I have been more aware of my power and have been comfortable in my skin - at times I have felt 100% woman and totally liberated. I bought an axe and enjoy chopping my logs. I have made friends, birthed a drum, helped cook an ancestral meal, stood barefoot in the snow wearing nothing but a sarong. I have also spent far too much time in front of a rectangular screen.
For the most part, despite the dreary wintry weather, the sun has been shining in my world.
There have been 3 deaths in my family in the last 6 weeks. These three lived to a good age: 96, 12 and 103. For me their lives are to be celebrated, not their loss mourned. How can I be sad when I see their passing as a transition rather than an ending? The thought that we are spiritual beings having a human experience is a great source of comfort in trying times. This lifetime is a mere blink of the eye in the great scheme of things. I beat my drum to aid their passage onwards.
Merlin (age 12) was a much loved, cheeky, slightly eccentric person trapped in the body of a Labrador. I think he was special needs.
Aum x
Over the past couple of months I have received healing, attended ceremonies, danced, sang, toned, sweated, laughed and cried. I survived the madness that is Christmas and New Year. I have been more aware of my power and have been comfortable in my skin - at times I have felt 100% woman and totally liberated. I bought an axe and enjoy chopping my logs. I have made friends, birthed a drum, helped cook an ancestral meal, stood barefoot in the snow wearing nothing but a sarong. I have also spent far too much time in front of a rectangular screen.
For the most part, despite the dreary wintry weather, the sun has been shining in my world.
There have been 3 deaths in my family in the last 6 weeks. These three lived to a good age: 96, 12 and 103. For me their lives are to be celebrated, not their loss mourned. How can I be sad when I see their passing as a transition rather than an ending? The thought that we are spiritual beings having a human experience is a great source of comfort in trying times. This lifetime is a mere blink of the eye in the great scheme of things. I beat my drum to aid their passage onwards.
Merlin (age 12) was a much loved, cheeky, slightly eccentric person trapped in the body of a Labrador. I think he was special needs.
Aum x
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