How precarious is the path?
I can't claim to have been living a truly authentic life as often I will bend to another's will, meandering hither and thither (great phrase huh?) however, this is usually because I do not have a predetermined course in mind.
However, for the last few years I have been walking the verbal path of truth. I have made a determined effort to cheat my ego out of the fear that being open and honest would somehow make me vulnerable to destruction. My progress was steady and I was alive to tell the tale. I may have shocked a few people with my forthrightness and perhaps I made others feel a little uncomfortable, but I was still standing.
Then I slipped up, closed down and was not forthcoming. For a short while I existed, holding a lie close to my chest.
During this time my soul died - or if it isn't dead it is heavily traumatised and sedated. My heart and mind are thrashing about in pain. I have been suffering from internal dis-cord, dis-sonance, dis-comfort and all manner of things Dis. I have, probably for the first time, an experiential knowledge of Dis. Of course I've had these feelings before, but in the past (pre ISA) I didn't know what it was or what was causing it. Lack of truth, falsehood, intentional non-disclosure, deceit, lies, call it what you will. By misleading someone else, I did a disservice to myself and have caused this suffering.
The truth is now out there but I'm not sure how I'll get out of this without guidance from another realm. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the tiny flicker that remains inside will be enough to light my way.
Believe me when I say I have learnt a valuable lesson. I intend to keep my path debris-free in future.
Somehow I must find my way home.
Aum x
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