So... after journeying for weeks, nay months, on the long road to the recovery of my self-esteem I finally arrived in a good place. Here the sun shines most of the time and I can hear the birds singing. Actually when I'm merrily (and admittedly sometimes mindlessly, mostly tunelessly) chanting the Gayatri mantra or singing in the car they are barely audible, but I like to think I make up for their lack of volume with my own. I have built up a certain strength on this journey and I'm grateful (to me) for the opportunity to grow those muscles that I exercised so extensively earlier this year.
Some time at the end of the winter of discontent I upgraded my internal flicker of light to the eco equivalent of a 100w bulb. It was at this point along the way that I recognised the scenery and remembered that all I really need to do here on earth is just BE me. I don't need to DO, dare I say it, spiritual activities - whatever they are - in order to prove my worth. If I believe that I am a spiritual being having a human experience then I have done everything by remembering who I AM. The trick is to keep this memory alive and live with courage and total trust in the Universe.
All I need I have in this not so neat little package called me. It helps if someone is around to occasionally wipe a layer of ego dust from the bulb, but seeing as I have never been an accomplished domestic goddess I feel this to be a wholly acceptable shirking of responsibility! I know I'd probably benefit from a daily meditation or yoga practice, but right now I'm not practising anything other than BEING. I am clear in my mind that this is not because I am resisting, which previously has so often be the case, but because I've given myself permission to just let go...
I do indeed feel liberated!
Aum x
Friday 10 June 2011
Thursday 6 January 2011
Overcoming Dis is my challenge
How precarious is the path?
I can't claim to have been living a truly authentic life as often I will bend to another's will, meandering hither and thither (great phrase huh?) however, this is usually because I do not have a predetermined course in mind.
However, for the last few years I have been walking the verbal path of truth. I have made a determined effort to cheat my ego out of the fear that being open and honest would somehow make me vulnerable to destruction. My progress was steady and I was alive to tell the tale. I may have shocked a few people with my forthrightness and perhaps I made others feel a little uncomfortable, but I was still standing.
Then I slipped up, closed down and was not forthcoming. For a short while I existed, holding a lie close to my chest.
During this time my soul died - or if it isn't dead it is heavily traumatised and sedated. My heart and mind are thrashing about in pain. I have been suffering from internal dis-cord, dis-sonance, dis-comfort and all manner of things Dis. I have, probably for the first time, an experiential knowledge of Dis. Of course I've had these feelings before, but in the past (pre ISA) I didn't know what it was or what was causing it. Lack of truth, falsehood, intentional non-disclosure, deceit, lies, call it what you will. By misleading someone else, I did a disservice to myself and have caused this suffering.
The truth is now out there but I'm not sure how I'll get out of this without guidance from another realm. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the tiny flicker that remains inside will be enough to light my way.
Believe me when I say I have learnt a valuable lesson. I intend to keep my path debris-free in future.
Somehow I must find my way home.
Aum x
I can't claim to have been living a truly authentic life as often I will bend to another's will, meandering hither and thither (great phrase huh?) however, this is usually because I do not have a predetermined course in mind.
However, for the last few years I have been walking the verbal path of truth. I have made a determined effort to cheat my ego out of the fear that being open and honest would somehow make me vulnerable to destruction. My progress was steady and I was alive to tell the tale. I may have shocked a few people with my forthrightness and perhaps I made others feel a little uncomfortable, but I was still standing.
Then I slipped up, closed down and was not forthcoming. For a short while I existed, holding a lie close to my chest.
During this time my soul died - or if it isn't dead it is heavily traumatised and sedated. My heart and mind are thrashing about in pain. I have been suffering from internal dis-cord, dis-sonance, dis-comfort and all manner of things Dis. I have, probably for the first time, an experiential knowledge of Dis. Of course I've had these feelings before, but in the past (pre ISA) I didn't know what it was or what was causing it. Lack of truth, falsehood, intentional non-disclosure, deceit, lies, call it what you will. By misleading someone else, I did a disservice to myself and have caused this suffering.
The truth is now out there but I'm not sure how I'll get out of this without guidance from another realm. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the tiny flicker that remains inside will be enough to light my way.
Believe me when I say I have learnt a valuable lesson. I intend to keep my path debris-free in future.
Somehow I must find my way home.
Aum x
Onwards
I haven't written for a while, not because nothing of note has happened, but much. Most of it seems too huge and personal to share so, as it's not just my stuff that I'd be airing on a public washing line, I will dry my details indoors.
Over the past couple of months I have received healing, attended ceremonies, danced, sang, toned, sweated, laughed and cried. I survived the madness that is Christmas and New Year. I have been more aware of my power and have been comfortable in my skin - at times I have felt 100% woman and totally liberated. I bought an axe and enjoy chopping my logs. I have made friends, birthed a drum, helped cook an ancestral meal, stood barefoot in the snow wearing nothing but a sarong. I have also spent far too much time in front of a rectangular screen.
For the most part, despite the dreary wintry weather, the sun has been shining in my world.
There have been 3 deaths in my family in the last 6 weeks. These three lived to a good age: 96, 12 and 103. For me their lives are to be celebrated, not their loss mourned. How can I be sad when I see their passing as a transition rather than an ending? The thought that we are spiritual beings having a human experience is a great source of comfort in trying times. This lifetime is a mere blink of the eye in the great scheme of things. I beat my drum to aid their passage onwards.
Merlin (age 12) was a much loved, cheeky, slightly eccentric person trapped in the body of a Labrador. I think he was special needs.
Aum x
Over the past couple of months I have received healing, attended ceremonies, danced, sang, toned, sweated, laughed and cried. I survived the madness that is Christmas and New Year. I have been more aware of my power and have been comfortable in my skin - at times I have felt 100% woman and totally liberated. I bought an axe and enjoy chopping my logs. I have made friends, birthed a drum, helped cook an ancestral meal, stood barefoot in the snow wearing nothing but a sarong. I have also spent far too much time in front of a rectangular screen.
For the most part, despite the dreary wintry weather, the sun has been shining in my world.
There have been 3 deaths in my family in the last 6 weeks. These three lived to a good age: 96, 12 and 103. For me their lives are to be celebrated, not their loss mourned. How can I be sad when I see their passing as a transition rather than an ending? The thought that we are spiritual beings having a human experience is a great source of comfort in trying times. This lifetime is a mere blink of the eye in the great scheme of things. I beat my drum to aid their passage onwards.
Merlin (age 12) was a much loved, cheeky, slightly eccentric person trapped in the body of a Labrador. I think he was special needs.
Aum x
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